Too Much & Not Enough

Since my hours have been cut down to half of what I'd like them to be at my job, I started looking for work in my spare time.

I am not a fan of pounding the pavement or doing job searches online. I just get so frustrated with the whole process.
I thought the internet was supposed to make everything immediate. Then why don't employers hire within seconds of receiving your resume? Or at least email you back for a webchat interview or something.
And people complain all the time about how technology has ruined face-to-face contact and real conversations, but have you gone into a business lately asking if they were hiring? The employees look at you like you're crazy. Jobs don't even want you to mail paper resumes or applications anymore.

My problem is that I have too many ideas. I watch television and I see different commercials or news stories about things and I think, "I bet I could do that. I wonder if my degree in education would help me get hired. I don't have experience doing that but I bet I could learn very quickly!"

My other problem is that I care too much. I get angry about the state of the educational system in this state, in this country. I get upset when I hear that the low-socio-economic neighborhoods get the least attention but need the most help. I want to run out and tell them to hire me. I want to run out and tell them I'll give them the attention they need. I want to find the organization that is out there to help the less fortunate and show them I have the experience and the passion to help those who need the help.

But these organizations are run on grant money. My last two jobs have been for non-profits. The theory is that the worse the economy is, the more people give to not-for-profit organizations. And while that may be true in theory, at a certain point people are in such dire straits that they CAN'T give to charities.

I'd love to work to help the less fortunate, but I can't afford to live on little or no money. And the government is too busy fighting three wars and trying to balance the budget to worry about the low socioeconomic neighborhoods.

Until it's election time.

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Portland?

Does anyone live in Portland, Oregon?

Let me rephrase that. Does anyone who reads my blog live in Portland, OR?
Or maybe you know someone who lives there?

Any thoughts on that city, that state, that area? Does anyone have any thoughts on moving to a city you've never visited?

All I know about the area is what I've read or heard second or third hand. I've never been there and I don't know anyone who lives there. So help me out if you can.

Fill me in. Give me the pros and cons. I'll weigh my options and decide eventually, but I just need some details and some specifics.

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Thoughts on 'Thumbtack'

This song is stuck in my head today.

Every time I hear it, I get filled with a strange feeling of nostalgia and the need to escape.
And with my current mood of anxiousness and frustration and unhappiness, this song is doing strange things to me.  I used to put myself into the role of the singer or "narrator" of the song, but lately I just think about the back story of the song:  Moving to a new city. Putting the map up on the wall and just seeing all the new places there are to explore and visit.


Here's the town we live in
This is how the land lays out
I bought a map
So I could find my way around / way around

Taped the map on the wall
Studied every avenue
I Found my way around
Tried to feel at home for once

We worked out a system
When one of us would leave
A thumbtack stuck showing
where we were going



Like I said, I used to imagine my significant other leaving me soon after moving to a new city.

All the time you wore a hole
The same place tacked over and over
And I never go there, I never go there

But through that hole, you see
My faith in you boring deeper and deeper
Finally through the wall

Map began to rip apart
I watched it fall to the floor
I didn't bother moving my thumbtack any more

But not lately. As of late I am just thinking of the idea of NEW.
I need somewhere new. I get like this. I get antsy and anxious and I need to just leave. I need to just drive and drive. I need to run away. But I usually talk myself out of it or get busy with other things and I stay put. But this time I mean it. This time I need to leave. For good. This town has damaged me. This town has depressed me. This town is killing me.

Maybe the south will do me good. But there's huge storms that would take my home away. And there are earthquakes in the west and tornadoes in the mid-west. The more and more I think about it, the more I believe the north-west would be best. When I was a teenager I wanted to live in Seattle. I could deal with rain better than I deal with snow. And Portland seems like a cool place to put roots down. I don't know. I'm just afraid I'll get stuck in the same rut I'm in now. Maybe I'll never be happy. Maybe I'm destined to be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Here I am talking myself out of it again. I'll never know if I don't just GO.

No Apology Needed

I complain a lot.
If this is a turn-off, I'm sorry.


But really I'm not.

I think I have problems. I have in my mind a way things should be and the way i want things to happen, and if they don't go the way I envisioned them, it's upsetting. And then I complain.

Everyone is like this, though, right?

I can't be alone here. But now I have this platform to complain and moan and whine and scream and yell and it seems more real for some reason. I can look back at all my complaints and my bad moods and my depressed ramblings. I'm not 100% sure that's a good thing.

Is it good to be able to look back at your moods?
Have you ever read your old journals or diaries? It's scary! I always thought that when I eventually died that all my journals would be published. There would be someone out there that would go through them and take all the curse words out of them and then publish them for everyone to read to see how deep I was. To see how brilliant I was. To see how ahead of the curve I was.

To see how emotional and jaded I was more like it.

I don't mean to complain. I wish I could look on the bright side of things. I wish I could see the glass as half full. But my brain or my soul or my eyes don't work that way.

College students should have good grammar.
Drivers should use their blinkers.
If I leave you a message, you should respond in a timely manner.
The snow should stay away after February.
People should look where they're going.
Everyone should show up on time.
If something is broken, it should get fixed.
People should park between the lines.
Etc., etc., etc.

Am I wrong?

Happiness Is Elsewhere

I just heard about another young, smart Buffalonian making plans to move out of the area.

While I was reading her blog post, I was thinking, "No! Don't leave! Buffalo needs you." And she's a cool person. With awesome ideas. But this city has sucked her mind and soul almost dry. She probably doesn't see the point in fighting this city and many of its close-minded citizens (& politicians) to make those ideas bear fruit.

And I can completely understand.

I've lived in Western New York all my life (10- years in Buffalo). This place sucks your energy and your motivation and your happiness right out of your soul. Maybe it's the nine months of cold weather. Maybe it's something else. But part of it has to do with the fact that BUFFALO IS NOT A CITY.

Toronto is a city.
Pittsburgh is a city.
Chicago is a city.
Buffalo is just a big town.

The people here believe the more they say "The City Of Buffalo" the quicker Buffalo will take on the personality of a city. But it won't. It's a factory town. And now that the steel factories and grain elevators have left, it's just a town.

Think about it: everyone is separated by two degrees (at the most). There's no Six Degrees of Separation here. There's a pretty good likelihood that you'll meet someone who knows you or a friend of yours. Buffalo is just a larger version of a one-stop-sign town in rural America.

So it's no wonder people are leaving. While the idea that everyone knows everyone seems like a good thing if you're trying to make moves to do something positive, Buffalo still has a small town mentality.

"Why would you want to change what we have here? We like our miserable existence."

And while that may be an exaggeration, it's not too far off the mark.

This town will suck you dry like a hungry vampire. GET OUT BEFORE IT GETS ITS FANGS INTO YOU!

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No Gumption, or Why I Am A Curmudgeon

I feel like I didn't get anything accomplished this weekend. And I don't mean that in a "I wish the weekend was longer" kind of way.

This past weekend was actually quite slow moving, but I feel like I didn't do anything.
That's not true. I watched about six NCAA basketball games on TV at home. And I read for about four hours or so. And I did a load of laundry. And I went grocery shopping and went for brunch. But I don't feel like I did anything.
If that makes sense.

I could have gone to see a local Irish band play at a bar, but it's the same bar I hang out at and that would have made three consecutive days at the same bar, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to be that guy yet. But after I decided not to go, I found out a few of my friends that I never see were there. And then I saw pictures online of the bar packed full of people and everyone smiling and laughing and having a good time and I felt depressed.  Not really depressed, but upset. There were people having fun somewhere that I frequent and I wasn't one of the people having fun!

Boo!

There were huge chunks of time this weekend where I just sat on the couch and flipped the channels. I had the time to have fun, but I just couldn't motivate myself to get up and do it.

And Sunday was the St. Patrick's Day Parade.  It is literally two blocks from where I live. And I'm sure it was packed. But I decided to leave the city to avoid it all.  I drove somewhere to do stuff instead of walking to where fun was. And as I tried to get back to my apartment I had to ride through huge crowds of people stumbling around and ignoring (or just not noticing) traffic signals and traffic patterns and cross walks. And I gave them all the stink eye. It pissed me off that they were in my way and were not crossing when and where they were supposed to.

But I think I was actually angry that they were having fun and I wasn't.

What's wrong with me?

Teacher & Twitter

I found this image on my friend's blog and I thought it was great... Luckily (hopefully) none of my students are following me on Twitter... as far as I know..?