Last night I tweeted this: "I feel very... I'm not sure. Like I'm missing out on something."
I'm not sure what brought it about, but I just felt sad and anxious and... empty-ish. I was sitting at home flipping the channels and I stopped on a movie on AMC. It took place in a New England town-- there were a bunch of people in a dirty old bar, all in flannel, drinking beers and laughing and having a good ol' time-- My heart sank. I don't know if it was deja vu or jealousy or hunger pangs, but I just felt my life was running away from me. I felt like I missed opportunities that I should have taken. I feel as though I'm missing out on something.
I have a job I love. I'm helping people who are trying to help themselves. But every day I sit here and I think about how much this job doesn't pay the bills. I have mentioned this before, but I hate money. And at the same time I need money. It's a vicious circle. Well, that's not really a circle, is it? But it's a horrible relationship in any case. I wish I could just live comfortably with the job I have now. I wish I didn't have to worry about the bills every five or six days. I wish I had a house and a couple-few kids and a car that didn't stress me out and enough money to go out a couple days a week. I don't need anything fancy. I don't need the latest technology. I don't need fancy suits. I just want to be comfortable.
But I'm not comfortable. And I look back at those things I would love to have, and it feels like it's too late to reach those things. A house? Well first I need to figure out where I want to live. Kids? Yeah right. I'm pretty sure I missed my window for that (unless a couple of teenagers come knocking on my door!). And a car? Jeez. if I can't pay my bills now, how am I supposed to get a nice car? How am I supposed to do anything with the job I have now?
And so I apply for other jobs. I apply for higher paying jobs. I apply for anything and everything. I had an interview the other day at GNC for christsakes. Have you seen me? I am not the best spokesperson or salesperson for a musclehead/vitamin shop. But if they'll pay me, I will do it. I wish I had a job that I went to school for that would allow me the opportunity to use social media and other technology. I wish I could teach creative writing. I wish I could work on my Great American Screenplay. Or maybe it's a stage play.
Sometimes I wish that I could afford to just hole up in a cabin and write and write and write and just do that. I would emerge from my lonely writing garret a changed man ready to change the world with his words. But that can't ever happen because even just typing about it makes me think of all the bills I would need to pay.
Let me take a moment to explain the title of today's post.
Most people have a "quarter life crisis" around age 25, because, I guess, life ends at 100. If we're lucky. But the thing is, when I was 25, I was loving life. I don't remember having any crises with money or my car or anything. The other problem is that when I was 16 years old, I was stumbling around a beach in south Florida and a woman read my palm. She told me that I would not live to see my 40th birthday. At the time, I was cool with this. Hope I die before I get old.
But now, I, well... I could use a time machine. I wish I could go back and fix all the mistakes I obviously have made with my life. Would I go to film school right out of high school? Probably not. Would I spend years and years at jobs I was unhappy at? Definitely not. Would I follow in the footsteps of someone more successful? Possibly. Would I be where I am now? Hopefully not. The problem with going back and fixing all of the problems I have is that the good things in my life would also disappear. I wouldn't have met my best friend from college because I met him in film school. Would I be even more unhappy because I went to school to get a job that would have just made me lots of money? Possibly. But maybe I would be more comfortable.
God. I hate this. Where do I go from here? Do I just try to fix the mess I'm in now by taking a part-time job that will help me pay the bills and continue to feel like I'm missing out on something? Or do I try to start over eighty-five percent of the way through my life?
It feels like a no-win situation you've gotten yourself into, chaz.
Yeah. Tell me about it.