Wednesday, October 5, 2011

These Last Few Days

I have been so miserable these last few days.

My commute to and from work gives me a lot of time to think and reflect and self-loathe. I need a change. I need something different. I need to move. I need a new car. I need to get rid of all the junk in my life. I need to get the hell out of here.

I think it might also be the time of year. Autumn makes me anxious. Whenever I'm in my car and I feel the cool morning air or I see the rusty colored leaves or smell the remnants of a really heavy rain, I just want to drive and drive and drive until I don't recognize the landscape anymore. Fall, more than summer, is the best road-trip weather, in my opinion. I want to drive somewhere new. I want to drive somewhere clean. I want to drive somewhere with unlimited possibilities. I never have any destination in mind. Anywhere but here. This time of year has always done this to me. Even when I was a child I felt the need to run away from home in the fall.

And this season has been no different. I'm afraid that one morning I'm going to get up with my alarm, take a shower and put on my work clothes, grab my three oatmeal bars and a mug of orange juice, get in my car and just drive. But this time I won't be driving to work. Sure, maybe I'll start out as though I'm going to work, but then my car will take a different turn and then another and by the time I finish my mug of OJ, I won't even know where I am.

Do I really want to run away? No. But I just feel this urge inside of me to do exactly that. My car will be in control. My subconscious will be in control. My heart will be in control. I have a job I like a lot and an apartment and a wife and family here. I have walls full of music and books. I can't just leave them here. I can't just shirk my responsibilities. I can't just run away. I'm a grown-up. Grown-ups don't run away. Grown-ups suffer through the choices they've made. They make the most of the hand they're dealt. Grown-ups grin and bear it. Grown-ups just deal with it.

But these last few days... I don't even know.

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