One Word-2012

What word do you want to use to describe how you will approach 2012?

Earlier this month I wrote about the word that described my 2011. Transfigure. It was a fitting word. But what about next year? What do I want next year to be described as? I want next year to be awesome. But more than that. I want 2012 to be...

Formidable.

Yes. Formidable! Usually this word brings ideas of dread or fear: The man was a formidable opponent-- Chaz had trouble defeating him. But what if "the man" and "Chaz" were reversed? What if instead of thinking about the causing fear, apprehension, or dread definition of the word, we think about the other definition: arousing feelings of awe or admiration because of grandeur, strength, etc. That's how 2012 is going to be. My year is going to arouse feelings of awe.

I don't mean to sound like I'm being pretentious or full of my self or something. I'm really not. I'm trying to be more confident and less complacent. I want 2012 to be that dramatic change you see in a character in a film.

The team starts to work together and defeats their rival in the championship game.
The man realizes he's been a jagoff and turns his life around, winning back the girl of his dreams.
The captive breaks free of his chains and becomes the warrior he once was, defeating the oppressive king and setting his people free.

I will be that team.
I will be that man.
I will be that warrior.

2012 is going to be the beginning of great things. 2012 is going to be formidable.

Dear Older Self

Write a letter to your future self to read on 12/30/12. Write about what you have accomplished. Write about who you are and who you have become. Write a wishlist.

Dear Chaz,

Hopefully by now you have heard one way or another whether or not you were accepted into UB's PhD program. If you haven't heard, that means you didn't complete the application process. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Seriously, STOP BEING SO LAZY! Stop waiting for things to happen to you and make moves. If you have heard about the PhD thing, then hopefully congratulations are in order. 'm so proud of you!

So did the Yankees do well this season? I really hope so. It doesn't look like they want to spend any money, but hopefully by 2012 they made up their mind that a couple more pitchers were in order and they went to the World Series. Also, did the Steelers end up winning the Super Bowl? If there is a way for you to let me know, that would be great. That way I could put some money down on the game and make some money!

How is the Blue Lady doing? Is she still running? Were you able to replace her finally with a new car? You (we) know she wasn't doing too well in 2011 (and 2010 and 2009). Did she get better or worse in your time? And speaking of your time, do we have flying cars yet? How about time travel? I(we) could really use a time machine.

Okay, so you remember that time when you (we) were all melancholy and depressed and didn't have much money and were frustrated with life in general? Keep hold of that feeling. Because it is going to pass, and remembering how it felt will hopefully stop more bad stuff from happening next year and the year after that and the decade after that. Hopefully 2011 was the last full year that things were not so great. You (we) know that 2011 was a much better year than 2010, but 2012 was even better, right? Right??

Well, I should probably wrap this up. Write back if you can.
See (be) you soon!


Sincerely,



Chaz.

Five Things/Let Go

Resound wanted me to write on this topic:

Jot down five memories that you would like to never forget about 2011.

But I've already written about this in one way or another this year. So instead I'm going to write about this:

What are five things you do not want to repeat in 2011?

It's a slight adjustment, and it still may be a repetitive blog post, but it's going to be harder for me to write about. And besides, I have a bad memory when it comes to "Did that happen this year or the year before?" 2012 is going to be better than 2011, just as 2011 was a slight improvement on the year before it. So what did I do this year that I want to let go of? What do I want to remove from my life in 2012? How can I better myself next year?

1. Processed Foods. There has to be something better than pre-packaged processed foods full of unnatural junk, right? I need to find an alternative to canned nacho cheese and Cream of Mushroom soup and what-not. I'm sure I can even figure out a way to make mustard instead of getting the squeeze-bottle version of it, right? I rarely use tomato sauce that comes out of a jar, so why not everything else?

2. Petty Arguments and Grudges. I am tired of wasting my time with fighting or being angry about things that, in the long-run, are really not worth my time. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to stay mad. I don't want to argue or hold grudges. It's not worth my time. I have better things to spend my time doing. I have more important people to worry about and take care of.

3. Junk Food. I always have chips or pretzels or cookies in my apartment. And I usually have at least one kind of dip. And of course ice cream. This needs to stop. Or get cut back a lot. I know eating carrots is just as fun as eating pretzels and French Onion dip, but I just don't think of it. I need to make the junk food less accessible and the healthy snacks more accessible.

4. Television. To an extent. There's no way I'm going to completely wipe TV out of my life, but it would be nice to do more than watch television. I should cut down on the number of shows I watch regularly. I should read more. I should watch something informative instead of monotonous. I should feed my brain instead of slowly killing it.

5. Take Out. This connects to the junk food and the processed foods in my life. I only go to them because they're easy. I only go to them because they're accessible. I only go to them because they're yummy. But I can totally make a pizza. And General Tzo's chicken. And a DiBella's sub. The only reason I don't is because I don't plan enough a head of time of what I want to eat and the ingredients and so-forth.

This is a good start. I can totally do this.

Bring it on, 2012!

All is Love

Who do you love unconditionally? Who loves you unconditionally? Who do you love despite their flaws?

That's easy: My brother.

I just listened to "How Our Siblings Shape Us" on NPR's On Point show and it's so totally true:

If you’ve got brothers and sisters, you know it’s true: only siblings are partners for life. Parents go early. Children come late, when we’re already stamped and made. Siblings are there from the get go.

Brothers and sisters who challenge, protect, torment, defend. Who listen, scold, goad, counsel. Who know you. Some are close. Some are distant. They stamp you either way. For better, for worse, for life.

If you have siblings, you know it's true. Siblings mold us. They help us socialize, they help us learn how to fight (or argue), they help us become who we are. It doesn't matter if you grew up as one of thirteen children, or if you only grew up with one sibling. Our brothers and/or sisters make us who we are. It happens through mentoring, through modeling specific behaviors, and even through arguing with you. Siblings teach us how to manage conflicts and how to have a proper argument or discussion.

I have one brother. He's three and a half years younger than me. When I was growing up, I hated him. Seriously. We fought constantly. We would punch and kick and push each other. We would argue with each other. We would complain about each other. We would do things to get the other in trouble. On road trips my parents would have to put luggage or pillows or a cooler between my brother and me in the backseat just so we wouldn't "accidentally" invade the others space.

But then something strange happened. I moved out.

When I went away for college, my brother and I started to get close. When I popped home for the weekend, he and I would be civil to each other, we would joke around with each other, we would even hang out with each other. Then he would come out to Rochester for a long weekend. We were becoming friends. And there was no looking back. I had a best friend for life. Unrelated friends come and go. People move away. People have children. People grow apart. But when a sibling moves away or has a child, instead of growing apart, we grow closer.

As the older one, I always feel the need to protect my brother. This is one of the reasons he was my "co-Best Man" instead of just my Best Man at my wedding. I'm not going to get into the personal details here, but needless to say I felt like I didn't want to put all of that pressure on him and I didn't want to put him in a position to be in the spotlight. And I knew he would have said it was fine and he would take on more than he could handle and he would do more than he should and he would end up worse in the long run and it would have been my fault.

My brother and I have different beliefs and different morals and different opinions about a lot of topics. Every four years when the presidential election season comes around, we try to avoid talking politics. It's very difficult. It's almost like an unspoken game we're both playing. And of course there are religious and Bible-based opinions we both have that are in conflict with each other. Sometimes. But in both the political and religious debates, we agree to disagree. We don't win and we don't lose. We don't storm out and give the other the silent treatment for a month. We just chalk it up to a draw and we move on. What's next?

If I want to get morbid, I can see a day when I won't have my parents and I can see a time when I'll be without my good friends, but I can't see a day when I won't have my brother. My brain just won't process something like that. Despite all of my flaws and mess-ups and issues, he'll always be there (I hope). And despite all of his flaws (which I probably put there when we were younger), I'll be there for him.

That's just the way it is.

Everything is Going to Be Okay

What is one thing, a sign if you will, that has shown you that things will be just fine in 2012?

Nothing.

But I have confidence and I have a good feeling that 2012 will be my best year ever.

I am hoping that I will have confidence and the strength to make next year something to really brag about. I'm not sure what is going to change or how it will change, but it will change. It will get better. It has to get better, doesn't it? After the past couple years I've had, I don't know what else could happen to me. I've been in this hole long enough. It's time for things to move in an upward direction.

It's time for things to be legendary. I want to be able to brag to people about the year I've had. I want to be able to look back on 2012 and say, Damn, that year was friggin' awesome! I want to be able to say, 2011 can suck it because 2012 ruled!

Outro

Share the song you would like to be remembered by. Share with us your exit song.

This is a pretty morbid topic. Is this like the song people would listen to at my funeral? I always wanted a "Big Chill" funeral where they'll play a popular song or a song that my friends thought of me when they heard it instead of a hymn or something. That would be great. I would love to pick a Nirvana song, since they have been such a huge part of my life for so long, but I can't pick just one. So I guess my exit song would have to be "I Know It's Over" by The Smiths. link And as sad and depressing as that song is, Jeff Buckley has a much sadder and much more depression version of it. I wish I could imbed videos into my blog, but I don't know how.

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

See, the sea wants to take me

The knife wants to slit me

Do you think you can help me?

There is not a better song about ending your life, that I know of.

But I don't plan on ending my life. Not on purpose at least. So maybe I will leave the world with "This Is The Day" by The The. link It's more upbeat, right? You could kick your feet and dance to it!

The calendar, on your wall, is ticking the days off

You've been reading some old letters

You smile and think how much you've changed

All the money in the world

Couldn't buy back those days.

You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes.

You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.

THIS IS THE DAY -- Your life will surely change.

THIS IS THE DAY -- When things fall into place.

You could've done anything -- if you'd wanted

And all your friends and family think that you're lucky.

But the side of you they'll never see

Is when you're left alone with the memories

That hold your life together like glue.

Not so happy or upbeat. It's friggin' sad, yeah? And those last five lines? OH. MY. GOD. Maybe I do want to kill myself now. Talk about a song that mimics my life. Jeez.

Let's try something else. The song "First Day of Spring" by the Gandharvas always cheered me up when I was younger. I would listen to Canadian radio and I would wait for this song to come on. It used to cheer me up. It starts out calm, then slowly builds at the end.

My friend...

Don't just sit there and ruminate.

With your navel to comtemplate.

It's a beautiful day outside.

Time's passing you by.

Come on out.

Don't just sit there catatonic.

I'm feeling supersonic.

A warm wind is sweeping by.

The sun's full in the sky.

And there's no way of knowing,

No way to know,

Know how long it'll last,

No way of knowing,

No way to know,

Know how long it'll last.

Come on out.

Don't just sit there and decompose.

Go throw on some summer clothes.

I would enjoy your company.

But please hurry.

Cause there's no way of knowing,

No way to know,

Know how long it'll last,

No way of knowing,

No way to know,

Know how long it'll last.

I wish I had a friend to just knock on my door and pull me outside. C'mon, chaz! It's nice outside! Stop being a Hermit! There's no way of knowing how long the nice weather will be here for, so let's make the most of it! And I would go outside with them and we would enjoy the moment. Wouldn't that be great? But is that a song that my friends would say That reminds me of chaz. I don't know.

The worst part is that once you're dead, you can't make the decision on what's played at your funeral. It's up to those that are left. And that makes me saddest of all. I'm sure my ex-girlfriends would want to play "Gravel" by Ani DiFranco at my funeral. To them it would be fitting:

You've been juggling two women like a stupid circus clown telling us both we are the one. And maybe you can keep me from ever being happy, but you're not gonna stop me from having fun.

I was a dirtbag to many many of the girls in my life. So if this is what's played at my funeral, I will have deserved it.

My luck my friends and family will play this song and everyone will dance and sing along and have a HUGE PARTY not in memory of me or in honor of me, but in spite of my passing.

And I guess I'm okay with that. I kind of have to be since I'll be dead and all.

Try

What is one thing (activity, food, career, event, travel, etc.) that you'd like to try in 2012? Why haven't you tried it yet? What makes 2012 the year to try it?

I thought I already wrote about this a couple weeks ago. I made a list of all of the things I want to try to accomplish next year. But now I have to try and narrow the list of twelve down to one single thing. I'm not sure I can do that. Or maybe I'm supposed to come up with something else. Something new to try in 2012.

Well you know what? I'm out of things to accomplish. The well is dry. I just want to be happier. I want to make more money so that I can think about something other than all of the money I owe and the money I don't have. I want to make more money so that I can be comfortable again. Every time a friend or family member asks me out for a drink or for dinner or to just hang out, I picture my empty wallet and my near-empty bank account. I don't want to think about money every time I am asked to do something fun! I want to think about doing something fun!

And to be perfectly honest I don't care what these jobs are that will pay me more money. I'll work at a grocery store. I'll work on the line. I'll drive a bus. I swear to God I don't care. Just get me out from under this rock. Just pay me what I need. I don't want fancy things and extravagant vacations. I just want to be comfortable. I just want to be stress-free. I just want to try to think about something other than all of the money I don't have.