Friday, November 4, 2011

Ten Months In

When I started this blog, it was a new year. This blog was a way to motivate myself to write more. To be more creative. To self-evaluate myself. And to an extent, I think I've done that. Two thousand eleven was going to be my year. I was going to do more. I was going to be more. I was also going to figure out a way to get out of Buffalo.

It's ten months later and thanks to all of the holiday commercials and ads that are already everywhere, I feel the end of the year pressing on me. I feel like I need to hurry up and get everything done that I need to get done. I feel stressed and anxious and depressed. Have I done everything in my power to get out of Buffalo? To be honest, no. I should have pushed more. I should have saved more. I should have sold more of my junk. I was supposed to Sell Everything And Move. And I didn't.

This blog is helping me write more. Last year I had so many great ideas and so many things I wanted to say, but I didn't have an outlet. I didn't have a platform. I didn't have the motivation. This blog has forced me to stay active, writing-wise. Even (or especially) when I'm angry or sad or melancholy, I write. Instead of keeping it all bottled up inside, I write. Instead of drinking too much or driving too fast or taking it out on my friends or family, I write. And then I write some more.

A fellow blogger (she's also married to me) shared a blog project with me. It's called Duplex Planet. And although it doesn't seem to have been updated in a couple years, it's interesting. The first post I read made me stop and think. He asked a bunch of senior citizens "If You Could Be Famous For Anything, What Would It Be?" My first reaction was why are you asking senior citizens that question? They're old. Their lives are nearly over. Why not ask young people that question or people having a mid-life crisis?

But then I realized how ageist I was being. Just because you're old doesn't mean you still can't make something of yourself. Just because you're old doesn't mean you can't become famous. And just because you're old doesn't mean you're not important. Besides, who wants to interview young people? Eww.

What would I want to be famous for? I'm thirty-something. I should have a good answer for this. I'm not a young person, I'm not a senior citizen, I'm not having a mid-life crisis (as far as I know). Maybe I want to be famous for this blog. Yeah right. People have to actually read it for me to become famous. Maybe I want to be famous for saving someone from getting hit by a speeding train. Yeah right. I wouldn't even know where to find a speeding train, besides I'd be too busy counting all the train cars to save someone from its path. Maybe I want to be famous for writing a great novel or an eye-opening play or something just as life-changing. Yeah, right. It's not... oh wait, that could actually happen! It could happen. Maybe not by the end of this year, but it could happen soon. Especially if I stop doing things that don't matter and start using that wasted time to do something important with my life.

Just because you're old doesn't mean you can't make something of yourself. And just because the New Year is closing in on me doesn't mean I can't do something with myself. I have a great job. Sure, it doesn't pay me what I'd like, but it's a job. Last year at this time I was unemployed. I was miserable. I was drunk. And listen, two out of three of those things do not describe me today. And that's something. Sometimes things move at a glacial pace. But the thing about glaciers is that you can only see ten percent of a glacier. Ninety percent of the glacier is below the water, behind the scenes making lots of noise and making moves.

I may not be packed and ready to leave Buffalo, but I can see that in my future. I may not be sure where I want to end up or where I want to go next, but I know where I don't want to be, and that's something. I am future-facing. I am making moves. I am trying to stay positive.

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