Trust

I have a hard time trusting people.

I think I always have. I'm not sure why.

I don't lend out books or CDs or movies because I'm afraid I'll never get them back. And before you tell me I'm just being paranoid, let me just tell you that I've been burned before. I used to lend out books or movies to friends who wanted to borrow them "just for the weekend." Needless to say a month later I still haven't seen the item I lent out and six months later I'm spending money on something I already owned. Nine times out of ten I lent something out that was a gift, so I am spending money on something that was free to me. And as I am standing in the check out line, I am rearranging my friends in order of importance and those who have not returned my stuff are rightfully at the bottom of my very short list.

I don't even want to know you if you don't return something of mine. But my trust issues go beyond just lending things out. I had the hardest time when I went to film school for undergrad. Not because I wasn't smart enough or because I didn't know what I was doing, but because I had to rely on other people to show up on time and show up period to be my cast and crew. Even after the promise of free food and beer, people would still "forget" that they told me they would show up and help me. Many times I would have to do most of the jobs myself (including acting in my films, which made my film even worse). Suffice it to say this was one of the reason I switched from Production to Writing at the end of my sophomore year of undergrad.

These trust issues trickled into my personal life too. Relationships were always short and difficult because I didn't trust girls. I would follow them around or check up on them just to make sure they didn't have some other guy on the side. Most of the time they didn't, and they didn't enjoy being checked up on, so the relationship would usually end before it really began. If I was to look back at all the amazing (potential) relationships I could have had that were ruined because of my trust issues, I might just kill myself. So I just move on and try and forget all the problems my trust issues have caused.

Maybe you don't trust people because you are untrustworthy, chaz.

Hmm. That could very well be. I was a bit of a dirtbag when I was younger. I would cheat on and lie to my girlfriends. I would steal. I would forget important dates and appointments. I would think about only myself.

Thinking about it now, I'm surprised anyone would talk to me, let alone hang out with me or date me. But then again, I was pretty cool back in the day. And my eyes were mesmerizing. It was hard not to want to be close to me. Oh, did I mention I was full of myself too?

I'd like to believe I am over all these trust issues. But I'm really not. I try really hard to push these feelings down and convince myself that I'm being foolish. But still, to this day, I refuse to lend out any of my DVDs, books or CDs. If you want to watch, read or listen to them, you can come over.