New Car Anxiety

I'm going to look at new (to me) used cars. The Blue Lady (my 2001 Mercury Sable) didn't pass her inspection last month and she's not worth the $600+ it will cost to repair her.

It's time to put her down.

I'm excited to have a car of my own again and I'm sure my wife would love having her car back again. But I'm nervous. If you've read any of my blog posts in the past year you know that I am not in the best financial situation. A new car (even a used one) means another monthly bill. Sure, I'll use a bit of my tax refund as a down payment and I'll trade in The Blue Lady to cut down on what the new car will cost, but I'm still going to have to pay every month for it.

The other thing is I haven't talked to my boss in over a month. Strike that. My boss hasn't spoken to me in over a month. I've sent her emails but she doesn't respond or answer my questions. She sends emails to my coworkers and I, but she never responds to MY emails. This stresses me out. Is she purposely avoiding my questions? Is she going to let me go? Are my hours going to be cut even more? Is this all in my head? Am I just being pessimistic?

If I lose my job I am SCREWED. Especially if I accrue another bill.

Oh my God I hate being a grown up.

So suffice it to say I'm a bit stressed. I have some anxiety going on over here.

Some good news would be VERY welcome right about now.

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Can't Get Up From Falling Down

Maybe it's because I've been listening to so much Tom Waits. Maybe it's because I wouldn't have any luck at all if it wasn't for all this bad luck I have. But suffice it to say, I've been down so long, it looks like up to me (to steal a infamous blues line).

Or at least it feels that way.

Sometimes I exaggerate.

All my readers and friends and family know I had a rough go of it lately. I lost my teaching job this summer. And try as I might, there wasn't ANYBODY out there willing to give me another shot. Finally, by mid-autumn, I was hired as a per diem substitute teacher. But it wasn't full time and the pay was NOT cutting it. So on the days I wasn't called to work, I continued to look for work. And then I was hired at a local community college. And I was thrilled!

A few days into my first week I was informed that I was hired as a part-time instructor on an "as we need you" basis. The pay is great but it's stressful not knowing if I will work from one three week contract to the next.

And then my car started acting up.

First it was the fuel filter. Then the alternator. Then the ignition coil pack. Whatever the hell that is.

And now my breaks are squeaking and grinding (slightly).

I can't win!

I guess I should be happy my car waited to start acting up until AFTER there was money coming in, but still. I'd love it if I could get over the hump. If I could get back on my feet.

I just want to give up.
Sometimes I hope someone cuts me off while I'm driving home and totals my car. I actually (not so) secretly wish for my car to get stolen, but the thief would just leave my car abandoned about 100 feet from where they got it from.

I just can't win.

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No Luck But Bad Luck

I wish I lived in a city with a better transit system or in a city where I didn't need my car.

Wait, that's the same thing, isn't it?

As I've mentioned before, my car kind of hates me sometimes. I try to treat her well, but she's a moody ol' thing and she needs a lot of attention.

Don't tell her this, but if I could afford to replace her, I would.

I can't win for losing. Just when I think I'm back on top, something happens.
I lose my job.
My car breaks down.
Or any number of other things happen.

I want a do-over. I want things to go my way. I want to stop waiting for the next shoe and the next shoe and the next shoe to drop. But instead I'm sitting in my broken down car waiting on AAA.

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I'm Adapting

If you don't know me, there's something you should understand about me: I'm really not good at relying on people.

Strike that.

I am HORRIBLE when it comes to relying on people. Included in "people" is of course family and friends and also The Blue Lady, my car.
One of the reasons I moved from production to writing in film school is because I didn't need to count on actors and a crew to show up when I was scriptwriting.

That being said, I am starting to fix myself when it comes asking for help from friends and family. My car is giving me problems this week. Usually I would pray and cross my fingers and spit & spin around three times hoping to throw off the bad juju. Usually I would try to get The Blue Lady to make it through the week so I could take her to the shop on my day off. But that approach usually ended me up on the side of the road or out more money than I needed to be out.

I'm trying to change, 2011. I'm trying REAL hard. I'm not going to change over night, but I am starting to...
begining with asking for help. And relying on friends and family.


But keep your fingers crossed just in case.

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